There is something so elusive that even some of the most aware observers miss it, its always right in front of all of us, it can be seen, heard, smelled, touched and tasted but that is not what makes it real. Its the present moment, I know people that aren’t ever in it and I know some people that are so oblivious of anything other than it that they stop seeing its value. There are many ways to miss the moment, many ways to see too far or too close. I think appreciating the real, one and only, most precious moment of now is a hard thing to do.
Maybe you disagree, maybe its easy for you to see what you have and where you are and love them despite their imperfections. If so then you better write that story for me to read. Don’t get me wrong I love my life and I enjoy living it, I just get lost in other places besides here.
I think about what I will be doing in a week and the here and now slips through my fingers, or I get frustrated with something that just happened which causes the next batch of moments to be set under a cloud from my frustration. I don’t think its about enjoying everything all the time, that’s dumb. Anyone who says life is about being happy has a few lessons about to knock on their door in my opinion. For me being happy is a benefit of living but not what makes it worth living.
I have been pondering on how to be present and what that means the last few days. Throughout my day I yell in my head “wake up!, remember where you are!”, its a real struggle for me. I want to enjoy or make the best of my time, I know in my head that everything I’m doing will only happen once. The collection of sights and sounds is is unique in all my moments but its still so hard to feel awake.
It is all around me while traveling, people come and go, food is eaten, things are seen and everything all in a single day.The next day I might be miles away, in god knows where, doing something completely different. Each day is so new and different they all run so fast that before long I feel as if I only half lived them.
I don’t know how to combat the feeling that I missed something or forgot something. I have dreams about forgetting things, I wake up and continue my day still thinking I must have forgotten something crucial. I will do my best to be here right now, every time.
So far my action plan is pretty simple. I think of a few things I’m thankful for whenever I have a quiet moment, or when I’m becoming negative. I write in my journal once a day, that helps me realize what I have done each day and it helps me to have an idea of how many days I’ve lived because I can see myself working through the book. I think I need routine, I don’t know what else to do, I can’t just will myself to experience everything to the fullest. Some days are better for sleeping in, some days are better for eating familiar meals, some days are better for remaining indoors. Some days are best lived in a normal place, lived in a normal way. It is okay for a day to be ordinary.
But I need to remember that.
Today I sipped a cup of hot chocolate, watched the cars drive by and it was enough.